It's a strange disease. It comes and goes with no warning, sometimes with no trigger. I could be living the perfect life, in the perfect moment, and yet it feels like I have nothing worth living for. It could feel like dying might be a bigger adventure than living. When I'm 'up', I don't understand how I can feel so low. I don't understand how someone can take their own life. I don't understand how gratefulness does not come into the picture. But then I hit a low and suddenly it all makes complete sense. I know how someone just no longer can face that feeling, can face that emptiness, can face that loneliness, even with all the people that love you surrounding you. Nothing feels real.
Your confidence in who you are is gone. Your belief in the love of your family is gone, and somehow you can convince yourself that they will be better off without you. I always believed suicide is one of the most selfish acts a person can do. Yes, I still think so, but it's because that's what depression does to a person. All that you can think about is what to do to get away from yourself, from what you've become, from the feeling that's eating you alive. And because of who you think you've become you convince yourself that the world would be a better place without you. That your children and wife/husband, your siblings and parents would have a happier life if they didn't have to deal with you and the darkness you carry inside of you. There's nothing than any of them could do to convince you otherwise. It's not their fault. But suicide is not the answer. Many many people overcome depression. You need to learn how to handle it, how to deal with it, how to control it.You can do that by seeking professional help. South African Suicide Hot line: 0800567567
Suicide ruins more lives than not. It is an inherent selfish act as you don't consider the consequence and affect it will have on those left behind, on those who love you, even though you find it hard to believe that anyone does...Suicide is a cop-out. I empathize with those who could not find it in themselves to just live one more day, to just ask for help, or talk to someone rather than end their life.
I sympathize more with the families and friends that gets left behind. There was nothing you could've done. Someone set on taking their own life will not let you know. It's hard to explain how void and cold you start to feel when you suffer from depression, and how unloved and un-cared for you feel, even when you're being told a million times a day that you are loved.
My heart aches that people fall into the pit and cannot see themselves get out....if you're reading this, and death looks more attractive than life - get help! Talk to someone, anyone. Just put your feelings out there and believe that you are loved. South African Suicide Hot line:0800 567 567
You want to wallow, but you want to be happy. You want to lock yourself in a small room, but you want to interact with the people you love. You want to never get out of bed, but you want to have someone just hug you. You're at constant battle with yourself and the darkness within you.
I think that depression affects more people than we realize, and I think that each person deals with it in a very different way.
The mom dropping her kids of at school, smiling and waving at everyone, yes, she suffers from depression. The pastor preaching on the pulpit every Sunday, giving wonderful messages and encouraging words, yes, he suffers from depression. The little girl, playing on the jungle gym, giggling when you tickle her, yes, she suffers from depression. The teller ringing up your groceries, smiling at your children, yes, she suffers from depression.
It affects anyone, no matter your income or social standing.
It's not a 'situational' disease, although there are certain situations that can dump an otherwise cheerful person into a state of depression.
But mostly those bouts of depression gets worked through and people move on.
People who suffer from depression as a lifelong struggle though, are a little bit different. You don't have any sad situation or reason to be down - but you are. Constantly. As perfectly illustrated by Robin Williams, you can have all the money you could need, a loving family and a whole world thinking you're a great human being, and depression can drive you to not see any of it as worth living for. A funny man, who probably also realized that it's easier to make light of depression than to talk seriously about it. Most people don't really know what to do or how to react to depressed people...and why would they? So, making light of it is easier.
When I was very young I had a 'low curve' in my depression/happiness cycle, as my doc explained, and I was not completely suicidal, but I had a death-wish. I would walk into oncoming traffic with no care whether I got knocked over, and just in general do things that wasn't looking after myself. I got onto medication and started feeling better, and then went off the medication. I've been without medication for 13 years!
I thought to myself that I have only had an episode, and that the doc who told me I would have up and down curves throughout my life was ridiculous. I was fine. Until I hit another low curve....and there I was. How long would it last this time? Before, I was young and single and I really didn't have to deal with my depression affecting anyone but me. Now...well, I am a mother of three little girls and I have a husband. I have to check myself, I have to not just take care of me but take care of my children. I guess it helps having little ones that I feel responsible for, that I love and that I want to grow up into healthy human beings. I am grateful that I have an understanding of depression and how it affects me and how I need to act and what I need to do to make myself get better, without always grabbing a bottle of medication.
I am grateful that I am a believer and that I can look to Christ as my Saviour and rely on Him to give me strenght when I feel like I have none.
It doesn't mean that I am immune to feeling those black hole days. Those days that it feels like even God doesn't care, that He has forgotten me. And then I have to remember a statement I read a while ago that kinda helped me without me realising it at the time. Faith isn't about feeling, it's about knowing. I know God loves me, even when I don't feel like He does. I know that God gives me joy, even when I don't feel like He does. I know that my family loves me, even when it feels like they don't. It's difficult to believe these things when all you feel is darkness and emptiness and loneliness, but you have to convince yourself, because no-one else can. I haven't yet found anyone or anything that can cure my depression. Only I am in some kind of control over it, when I stand up and say that I WILL admit when I struggle, that I WILL NOT be ashamed to admit that I struggle, that I will accept help when it is offered and that I WILL strive to carry on living a happy life! Thought about death is always prevalent, and my sister commented that I always talk about my funeral, and that it seems that I'd rather be dead than alive. Perhaps, at times dying seems a better option than living, but I will always try and envision a future life - with me in it!
Talking about what you feel helps! Even if it's just to a friend or family member.
I keep putting it off to go talk to a professional, maybe I'm just too scared to get myself officially labeled again...but it's on my to-do list.
Happiness is all we want. I struggle with just grabbing a bottle of medication to help me feel "happy".
I feel better for a day or two or three, and then I think - oh, why do I need help, it's over now...and then I wake up and I can't convince myself of any reason to be happy....
Anyone that struggles with depression will tell you that there are good times and bad times....when the bad times start outweighing the good times, well that's when we need help...different help for different people...but help. It's not a joke, even if we make it off to be...
South African Suicide Hot line: 0800 567 567